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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28282572">o, they tell me of a home far away</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADaughterOfColdharbour/pseuds/ADaughterOfColdharbour'>ADaughterOfColdharbour</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Cyberpunk 2077 (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Assisted Suicide, B99-Holt.gif "Paaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiin", But it's there, F/M, It isnt graphic per se, sorry - Freeform</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-12-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 23:00:08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,341</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28282572</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/ADaughterOfColdharbour/pseuds/ADaughterOfColdharbour</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for various endings of the game.</p><p>This fanfiction heavily features suicide, including that of the main character. If this subject matter is triggering to you, I ask that you give this one a pass.</p><p>After leaving Mikoshi, Alt's words echoing in her ears, V takes her life into her own hands.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Female V/Viktor Vector</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>86</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>o, they tell me of a home far away</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>
  <span class="small">another fanfic by jules with its name taken from a song? it's more likely than you think!</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="small">I know this fic is a heavy one, and if you decide it's too much at any point that's totally fair. Take care of yourselves first, my friends.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="small">find me on tumblr @ viktorsvector</span>
</p><p> </p><p>  <span class="small">(Recommended Listening: The Unclouded Day - Audra Mae)</span></p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The first time V brings it up, she's much too casual about it. Scrolling through her phone, legs crossed as she sits on his desk.</p><p>"D'you use Propofol?"</p><p>Vik looks over with his brows furrowed, putting aside his tools and the cyberdeck he was fiddling with. "Yeah - for the more invasive procedures," he answers her slowly, wondering why the hell she's asking about an anesthetic.</p><p>"Knocks you out fast, slows down brain function." She doesn't phrase it like a question, simply nodding to herself. She still hasn't looked at him.</p><p>"V," he says, feeling nervous now, "why are you asking if I have it?"</p><p>She looks up, finally, with a bright smile. She laughs when she sees the look on his face, jumping down from the desk. She stumbles, just a bit; hand going out to catch herself, the other pressing to her temple. Vik's out of his seat before he registers moving, chair sliding across the floor as he gets to his feet, half-running to grab her by the elbows. He steadies her with a frown, catching her eye to check her pupils.</p><p>V chuckles breathlessly, nuzzling her face in his neck and placing a small kiss to his jaw. As distractions go, it's a pretty good one.</p><p>"Stood up too fast," she says by way of explanation, though his trained eye picks up the fact her breathing is labored and watery, her arms shaking steadily where they're wrapped around his middle. But he can see in her eyes that shes silently screaming at him to let it go; the last thing she wants is her doctor imput stepping on eggshells around her, in what little time she has left.</p><p>So he let's it go, kissing her softly and holding her tight to his chest. Trying not to count every beat of her heart, knowing they're numbered.</p>
<hr/><p>Vik lays in bed that night, staring at the ceiling. V's fast asleep with her head on his chest, her breathing deep and even for the first time all day. He's running his fingers through her hair slowly, careful not to wake her. She needs the rest, and Vik knows he wont be getting any, replaying their earlier conversation over in his mind.</p><p>Propofol. Anesthesia like that, top shelf shit; it's addicting. Not like morphine, which any asshole down the block can get his hands on; nah, this is a preem drug that'll knock you out faster than local anesthesia, make you feel wide awake and rearin' to go when you wake up. Vik remembers his early days in Trauma Team, and how half his squad would inject it during breaks. Pass out for ten minutes, then immediately be ready for the next eight hour overtime.</p><p>Vik runs a hand down his face, worry gnawing at his gut. By the most generous count, V's got maybe two months left. It isn't surprising, really, for her to want to take something to ease the edge off. He can't imagine what kind of pain her body's putting her through, just for the audacity of living in it. But fuck, the side effects of steadily taking something like that....</p><p>He cant in good conscience prescribe her something like that. Not as her doctor, not as her lover. Vik makes a mental note to find an alternative, if it turns out that all she wanted was something to take away the pain.</p>
<hr/><p>It's worse. It's so much <em>fucking</em> worse than he thought.</p>
<hr/><p>The second time V brings it up, they end up in a screaming match that rattles the windows.</p><p>"Viktor just listen to me, for one fucking <em>second</em>, you <em>stubborn</em> -"</p><p>"I did listen! I told you I ain't fuckin' doing it!"</p><p>"I know the position this puts you in -"</p><p>"Like <strong>FUCK</strong> you do! This isn't just a matter of - of breaking my oath as a doctor, V."</p><p>They're both breathing heavily, standing at opposite ends of her apartment. Vik's leaning against her desk, head in his hands. V's sitting at the open window, cigarette dangling from her fingers. They've been going back and forth for an hour, and Vik still cant wrap his fucking head around it.</p><p>Euthanasia. V wanted the Propofol to kill her. Wanted him to give it to her, like it was - like it was nothing.</p><p>"It's the best solution, we both know it," she says, as if they're talking about what to have for dinner, or who's turn it is to do laundry. Not talking about her fucking suicide.</p><p>"It is not, and I can't for the life of me understand how you don't see that," Vik replies, ripping his glasses off and shoving them in his breast pocket. He runs his hands over his eyes, willing himself not to break down.</p><p>They're quiet for a minute, the far-away sounds of traffic below the only thing breaking the silence. V is staring at the sky, shaking her head.</p><p>"If you love me -" She starts, voice barely above a whisper.</p><p>"Don't you fucking play that card," Vik interrupts her with a growl, and shes already turning to look at him, eyes wide.</p><p>"No, I - fuck, I didn't mean that. I'm sorry, <em>shit</em>." Her voice breaks and she sniffs loudly, looking away while covering her mouth with her palm to suppress her sob. It turns into a coughing fit, and Vik feels his heart unraveling.</p><p>V takes a deep breath when it passes, clearing her throat for good measure. Looks thoughtful for a moment, then takes a deep drag of her smoke.</p><p>"You cant ask me this, sweetheart," Vik's voice is quiet, his breathing shaky. His eyes burn and he shoves the heel of his palm against them, forcing himself to keep calm. "Anything," he continues after a breath, taking a step towards her, "ask me for <em>anything</em> else, baby, and I'll move heaven and earth to get it for you." He's begging, now, and they both know it. He's assisted patients with suicide before, voluntary euthanasia common for people who will know nothing but suffering. But fuck he cant - he can't do this. Not to her.</p><p>V just shakes her head, and his heart breaks seeing how bright her eyes are from unshed tears. She takes a shaky drag from her smoke, wiping a hand down her face.</p><p>"I cant -" Her voice breaks and she gasps for breath, voice tight from holding in a sob. "It's only gonna get worse. And I - I want to die as painless as possible. With some fuckin' dignity. I want to do this before I cant walk by myself, or go to the bathroom by myself, or -"</p><p>"Any time left is good time left -"</p><p>"Is it?" V turns to him, angry now. Tears still fall down her face. "Viktor, I can barely get out of bed without feeling dizzy. My hands shake too much to aim a gun. And it's only," she punctuates her words with a punch to her thigh, "going. to. get. <em>worse</em>."</p><p>Vik is silent through this, clenching his hands into fists as he watches her unravel. She's right, he knows she is. Her symptoms worsen by the day, her seizures coming on more often. She has every right to go up to any doctor and ask for this - and they'd grant it to her.</p><p>"Marina," Vik whispers, using her given name, heart lodged somewhere in his throat, "I cant kill the woman I love."</p><p>"I know what I'm asking but - I'm in <em>pain,</em> Vik," V says, tossing her smoke out the window before turning to look at him with those tired eyes, bright from tears and looking more desperate than he's ever seen from her. The naked fear she shows him is enough to make his knees weak. "It hurts to open my eyes, hurts to fucking breathe. It's gonna kill me anyway, God, I just -" she gasps, chest tight from holding in a sob. "I just want to go to sleep."</p><p>Vik has her in his arms instantly, crushing her against his chest as she cries into his shirt. He breathes in the scent of her hair, ignoring the tears that fall. And still, she sobs; soaking his shirt and grasping onto him like a lifeline. Vik cant make himself say the words, cant speak life into this. It's what she wants, and no one can deny her this. Not even him.</p><p>So instead he nods, just as the first sob breaks from his throat.</p><p>----</p><p>He has to used an old-fashioned syringe, modern applicants measure it all for you. Not possible to give a lethal dose of anything with tech on your side.</p><p>Vik measures the dose out with surprisingly stable hands, laying the needle down on the bedside table when he's finished. It's been almost a week since their argument, V needing time to get her ducks in a row before she passes. Vik tried to come at this situation from a doctor's perspective, but he's. He's too close to this to be anything other than heartbroken.</p><p>He's sitting at the edge of her bed, the apartment dark save for some candles he'd lit for her. V herself is laying down behind him, hair loose on her pillow, framing her head like a halo. She's wearing cotton shorts and one of his shirts, so big on her it's almost a dress. Vik turns to look at her and smiles, a wan and small thing, but he swore to himself he wouldn't make this harder for her than it already was.</p><p>V sits up a bit, reaching for his hand. She brings it up to her face, pressing a soft kiss to his palm. They sit in the quiet for God knows how long; just staring at one another. He's trying to memorize her face, though he knows he'll never forget it. But this, right here, he wants to remember; how the yellow candlelight shines on her skin, the soft smile she has only for him. Vik leans forward and presses a kiss to her forehead, squeezing her hand before reaching for the syringe.</p><p>Now, his practiced hands start shaking. He'd spent the past week getting himself used to the idea that this was happening, but he still can't quite grasp it. He loves her, <em><strong>loves</strong> </em>her; he knows this is her decision and hers alone, hell, he even knows that she was right when she said it was the best option. But he also knows he'll be broken into a million fucking pieces when she's gone, unable to wash her blood from his hands.</p><p>Reading his thoughts as she always seems to, V leans forward to wrap her arms around his shoulders, pressing her face to his bicep.</p><p>"I love you," she whispers, and the fragile hold Vik has over his emotions threatens to crumble. "Always have. Always will."</p><p>Vik doesn't trust his voice, so he nods instead, fisting his hand in her hair, hard, pulling her face up to his to kiss her. She isn't crying; perfectly calm as she stares her own death in the face. Their kiss is long and sweet, V rubbing small circles over his back.</p><p>They break apart, and Vik grabs the syringe, though his hands are still shaking. V leans back in bed, breathing heavily, her eyes falling shut. He someone manages to lay beside her, and she silently offers her arm.</p><p>Fuck, he's shaking too much. His vision is blurry and his hands wont fucking stop. He'll miss the vein and - and the drugs wont work, instead she'll die in pain instead of in her sleep and -</p><p>Her hand goes over his, fingers dragging softly over his knuckles. The shaking lessens immediately, V bringing both their hands to the inside of her elbow. He knows her well enough to pinpoint the vein he wants, and she moves their hands -</p><p>V takes a deep breath as the needle goes in, Vik pushing the plunger down before he can second-guess himself.</p><p>And then it's done.</p><p>Vik throws the fucking syringe as hard as he can, the sound of glass breaking against the wall more satisfying than it has any right to be. He takes a deep, shuddering breath, pulling V to his chest as tight as he can.</p><p>Her heartbeat slows, and a small moan escapes her. Propofol works fast. "Haven't felt this relaxed since ..." She thinks about it, a slow grin unfurling. "Last night."</p><p>Vik thinks for a moment, then snorts. "I ate you out last night."</p><p>"Yessir," she laughs, breathlessly, her smile wide.</p><p>Vik only stares at her in silence, thumb rubbing up and down her cheek.</p><p>After a minute, V's eyes open slowly, pupils blown wide as she gazes up at him.</p><p>"I think -" She's slurring her words, trying so hard to keep her eyes open, to keep her eyes on him as long as she can. "I think I'm gonna sleep for a bit."</p><p>Vik nods, smiling as he kisses her forehead. "'s alright, sweetheart. Sleep as long as you need."</p><p>She's out before he finishes speaking, chest rising and falling evenly. Vik watches her face, thumb brushing over her cheek, nose, mouth. She's beautiful. He hopes he told her that enough. He says it aloud, just in case.</p><p>He doesn't know how long he lays there with her in his arms, talking out loud, telling her about whatever shit comes to his mind. The first time she walked into his clinic. That silver dress she wore that drove him wild. The first time she kissed him. That time she got stuck climbing out a window during a job and had to call him and Jackie to help her. God, he laughed for about an hour straight, seeing her pissed-off expression peeking up at him from a basement window in his mind's eye. He laughs again, then, vision blurry as he tells her he loves her.</p><p>When her breathing finally stops, Vik simply takes a deep breath, closing his eyes as he checks her pulse. He pulls her close, holding her as tight as he can, tears spilling onto her hair.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>
  <span class="small">"And they tell me that no tears ever come again</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="small">In that lovely land of unclouded day."</span>
</p></blockquote></div></div>
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